I’m ugly when I cry. There’s no mistaking that. My nose runs, my eyes well up, I look like a wreck. I don’t cry often but when I do, I make sure to get it all out because it probably will be a while before I do it again. I cried recently on a trip back home to Connecticut. I cried not once but many times over the course of a week there. You see, I received word my father was hospitalized and I rushed back to be by his side. I’ll leave out the personal details but you should know the sight of my father, the greatest symbol of strength from my childhood now weakened by sickness, hit me hard. During the time spent by his side, my mind wandered to different thoughts frequently interrupted by medical alarms and visits by his nurses and doctors. While I sat there, with my face resting in my hands with my elbows on my knees, I thought about the concept of crying and what it does to us and those around us. Believe me, when you have all day to reflect, you think deeply about topics you perhaps didn’t before. As I sat there, I recognized I was not the only one grieving and coping with hardship. Others out there are crying and experiencing pain even if it is not the same I was feeling. What I realized as I worked through my own emotions may give you some understanding of your own tears and how to process what you’re experiencing. Maybe reading this blog will metaphorically wipe the tears from your face.

Public Tears

You’ve probably heard the expression I’ll paraphrase, “Never let them see you cry”. Perhaps you were told crying is a sign of weakness. There are times when tears shed in public are weak if that is the only response a person has against an adversary. I agree you should never let your haters see you upset or worse, let them realize they have affected you. We are not always engaged in a fight though. What about when you are surrounded by friends, family, and the ones you love? The idea of not letting others see you cry doesn’t hold up. Friends would not care if you cry and in fact, they will be there to put an arm around your shoulder. Those same friends would expect you to do the same. Sometimes, a group of friends all grieving will cue when it is appropriate to act a certain way like, albeit in a different scenario, a comedic performance is funnier surrounded by those laughing around you. It is ok to cry with a group because it shows you share the struggle with your brothers and sisters. It is ok to open up, let them run down your face, and relieve the burden and pressure of keeping them inside. Even the most stoic, rough, and emotionless need to let that exterior break down. Humans aren’t emotionless. Our emotions color the world around us and the people who provide us company throughout our lifetime.

While it is absolutely ok to cry in front of friends, don’t think you have carte blanche to cry whenever you want in front of strangers. Most of the time, you don’t have that luxury. If you work in a public setting, you may have to hide your emotions for the purpose of your job. You put on a good face before you address anyone and hold back the emotions welling up inside. As my co-worker Austin put it, no one wants to see a medic break down in tears as he/she is helping a patient. That steals away their hope. You need to project strength, confidence, and unwavering disposition as you help them. As I sat next to my father’s bedside and when I spoke to my mother each night about my father’s day, I tried to stay positive and avoid bringing them down by showing my tears at the prognosis. I owed that to them. I didn’t want my father to worry about me as he needed to work through his illness. Sometimes you have to hold them back for the sake of others. At some point, you must learn to fight them back until you can let them out at a later time. You must learn to balance when it is ok to share your sorrow and when you must suppress it. You must read the room until you can find another where tears are free to flow.

Private Tears

Not all tears are public. Some are shed in the privacy of your home, your car, or quiet places. You make it through the day all bottled up and let it out when no one is watching. You may find yourself seeking out private places where no one can see to vent your pain. This grief can be crippling. It can convince you the day is ruined when so much opportunity is out there to capitalize on. Just remember, humans are social creatures and you can’t stay in isolation forever. There are others out there looking forward to seeing you. Do yourself a favor and give yourself some mirror time to wipe your face clean before going back out. If you need someone to talk to, someone to listen to you as you vent, someone to just be on the other end of the line, there are people out there who care. If you want to keep your tears private, make sure you don’t wear them on your face or others will ask. Keep in mind, they are asking because they don’t want to see you upset and they care. How you handle crying in private is up to you and perhaps you don’t want others to know.

Something often associated with tears are coping mechanisms and in particular, alcohol. This is not the liquid you want to consume to replace the liquids leaking from your eyes and especially in private settings. Alcohol is a depressant and it can take you down a dangerous path. A toast raised up to a good cause is social interaction. Don’t use alcohol or other addictive substances in antisocial ways. It will ruin your life if it takes over and it can when you have moments of weakness. You’ll never find answers in the bottom of a bottle no matter how many times you check. I believe if you are to drink, drink to remember, not to forget. Alcohol will mask what is wrong but it won’t make it disappear. Left alone in private, your sadness can grow into severe depression. While it is ok to cry alone, don’t drink alone.

Tears Through Your Life

As a kid, I cried when I got hurt. I’m pretty sure it was like a signal to my parents to come to pick me up, wash out my scrapes, and help me know it would be all better. As a young adult, I cried at times from heartache sustained in juvenile relationships with ex-girlfriends. In my early adulthood, life handed me the losses of some adult friends I grew up with, and I cried again. Now, in my middle-aged years, I find myself in tears as I watch my parents’ health wane. In these years, the roles reverse and the son who was once protected by his father now must return the favor. My tears over the past week came at odd times thinking about this role reversal. I cried while I cut up my father’s hospital food, while I helped him to his feet to practice his mobility, while I tucked him in at night when visitor hours were ending. Even now, reflecting on this, I’m watering up a bit. I don’t feel ashamed to say I cried and I’ll still admit I’m really ugly when I do. I know it is absolutely normal, it is part of living, it is something others have done before you, and many others are doing for the same reasons as you even if you don’t realize it. The tears we shed help us survive and cope with strong emotions. In a way, the tears we shed help bring us closer to our friends and family as we work through hardship together. We must remember that others have cried like us before and they have survived to talk about it, so will you. The tears we shed are tears we don’t shed alone.